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David
 Posted:
Friday September 28, 2007 12:48 GMT Standard Time |
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UU Jokes I love
Here is a collection of Unitarian Universalist Jokes. The reason I love UU jokes is because they serve as a valid check upon our own faith. If you ever get too involved in your faith you cant laugh at it, then you also cant grow in it....
If a joke seems too close to home for you... ask yourself why? You may find a place where you can grow and expand your Unitarian Universalist Faith.
Ken Rogers once said
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| We do laugh a lot. I think some humor aimed at ourselves would actually be an invitation to investigate the beauty and fulfillment available within UU. It would remove the self-supporting pedestal others feel we stand upon. UU scares people. It doesn’t present a perfect image of spiritual enrichment – other religions offer fantasies of desperately needed illusion. We are willing to die forever, we are willing to live our lives as relevant elements of now. |
UU humor is an invitation to a faith that takes itself seriously, but not too seriously. It is a symbol of the humility necessary in a faith that cherishes doubt. It is a chance to find the places where our faith has problems, and learn from them.
And, as we laugh together, we grow together.
Enjoy!
Last edited by David on Saturday September 29, 2007 13:32 GMT Standard Time; edited 1 time in total
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| David
Posted:
Friday September 28, 2007 12:48 GMT Standard Time |
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How many Unitarian Univeralists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to write a solemn statement which will affirm the following:
This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps.
There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all "dark" bulbs to take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality.
We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference.
UUs seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.
A second UU who will read this statement, even if s/he is the only human being to do so, and then to write the obligatory criticism and dissent.
A third UU to light a candle instead of cursing the darkness.
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| David
Posted:
Friday September 28, 2007 12:49 GMT Standard Time |
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Where would you like to spend eternity?
Once upon a time, there was a man who had no religion, but was a very good and honest fellow. At death, he found himself in heaven. A kindly looking gentleman was waiting for him. Said the gatekeeper of heaven, "What religion are you sir?".
The man said, "I have no religion."
The gatekeeper said, "Well, where would you like to spend eternity, then?"
The man shrugged. "What are some options?"
Together, they strolled through the halls of heaven, looking in different rooms. In the first, a great congregation knelt before a great glowing figure, their faces to the ground and their hands outstretched. The man didn't think that looked too good.
Next, they stood outside a large sanctuary where a preacher was preaching loudly, to many "Amens" and "Hallelujahs." St. Peter put a finger to his lips and said, "And at this door, we need to be ver-r-r-r-r-r-y quiet."
"Why?" asked the newcomer.
"Because," St. Peter replied, "Those are the Southern Baptists, and they think they're the only ones here."
In another, a great congegration knelt before a fellow hanging from a big cross. The man didn't think much of that either. And indeed, in every room, the man found less than satisfactory situations in which to spend eternity. So, finally the gatekeeper said, "Okay, there's one last option."
The walked down the hall, and the gatekeeper opened the final door, behind which were a great congregation dancing in a big ring around a huge coffeepot singing "Coffee, coffee, coffee!".
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| David
Posted:
Friday September 28, 2007 12:50 GMT Standard Time |
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A sign at a UU church read:
"Bible Study after service today. Bring your own bible and a pair of scissors."
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| David
Posted:
Friday September 28, 2007 12:51 GMT Standard Time |
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A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, "So how did you like it?"
"I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage.
"Oh, good -- then you'll fit right in!"
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| David
Posted:
Friday September 28, 2007 12:52 GMT Standard Time |
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A Catholic was explaining to a Unitarian Universalist friend how dogma was formulated in the Catholic Church. "First it is debated by the Church authorities. Then, when the debate is ended, whatever was decided upon is declared dogma by the Pope."
"It's pretty much the same with us," said the Unitarian Universalist.
"I thought you didn't have dogma?"
"That's because no debate among Unitarian Universalists ever ends!"
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:21 GMT Standard Time |
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UU#1: "UUs don't know enough about the Bible."
UU#2: "Some of us are self-taught, and know a lot. Like me"
UU#1: "Oh, yeah? I'll bet you five bucks you can't recite the Lord's Prayer."
UU#2: "You're on. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
UU#1: "All right, I was wrong, you're right -- you win."
What's sad about that joke is when you tell it to a roomful of UUs and no one gets it.
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:23 GMT Standard Time |
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Did you hear about the UU minister who had twins, named one and kept the other as a control.
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:24 GMT Standard Time |
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Where do Unitarian Universalists go when they die?
The Peace Corps
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Senior Fellow
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:25 GMT Standard Time |
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On my last flight the attendant gave us instructions on what to do if the plane developed engine trouble. We were told how to use the oxygen masks that would fall and also instructed on how to use our headsets. "If the plane is about to crash you can dial up an appropriate message on the selector to your right. Catholics will hear a recording of the Hail Mary, Protestants will hear the 23rd Psalm, Jews can hear Kaddish, and the Unitarians will be treated to a roundtable discussion on flight safety."
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:25 GMT Standard Time |
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A Unitarian Universalist comes to a fork in the road. The sign pointing right says, "To Heaven." The sign pointing left says, "To a discussion about Heaven." The UU will invariably head left!
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Senior Fellow
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:26 GMT Standard Time |
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How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
300
12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee.
5 to sit on the the Nominating and Personnel Committee which appoints the House Committtee.
8 to sit on the House Committtee which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee.
4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb.
Those four then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation.
After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in hir day, the lit chalice was quite enough, thankyouverymuch!
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Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:27 GMT Standard Time |
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UU's are basically good people, who, for the most part, try to live by the 10 suggestions.
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Senior Fellow
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:29 GMT Standard Time |
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A Catholic church, a synagogue and a Unitarian society are all neighbors on a quiet country road. Father Jones, Rabbi Leibovitz and Ms. Smith are good friends and often get together for lunch at the local coffee shop.
One day they're sitting down to lunch when an altar boy from St. Thecla's comes running screaming, "Father Jones! Come quick, the church is on fire!" And Father Jones gets up, runs into the church, and saves the consecrated Hosts before the fire truck comes and puts out the blaze.
A few weeks later, the three clergy are sitting down to another lunch when one of the bas mitzvah class comes running and screams, "Rabbi Leibovitz, Rabbi Leibovitz! Come quick, the synagogue is on fire!" And Rabbi Leibovitz dashes out to save the Torah scrolls before the fire department comes and gets them wet while putting out the fire.
By this time, everyone's starting to get a bit nervous, so Ms. Smith asks her sexton to keep a 24 hour watch on the Unitarian church. So it is that a few weeks later, the sexton comes rushing in, crying, "Ms. Smith! We caught the arsonist! He was going to burn the meetinghouse!"
Ms. Smith leaps to her feet, lunch forgotten. "Thank goodness! Was anything damaged?"
The sexton shakes his head. "No, not a thing. But just in case, I made sure to get the coffee urn and the photocopier out first!"
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Senior Fellow
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 3:30 GMT Standard Time |
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Q: How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ...well, first you'd have to know whether it's a fluorescent, an incandescent, or a halogen bulb, but even then you may have made a false assumption because not all Unitarian Universalists necessarily even find lightbulb-oriented illumination useful, or even believe in Electricity or the Electric Company.
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Senior Fellow
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:38 GMT Standard Time |
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During Church School, the teacher asks if anyone can explain what Easter is. A little boy waves his hand, so wanting to be called on. The teacher says, "Ok, Johnny, what is Easter?" Johnny begins, "Easter is that time of year when the whole family gathers around a table with a turkey to giver thanks for the blessings of a good harvest." "Ah, Johnny, not quite. That is Thanksgiving, but a good description. Does anyone know what Easter is?" A Little girl raises her hand. "Easter is that time of the year when the family all gathers around a tree to sing carols and put decorations on the tree and they all give presents." "Well, maybe a bit closer, but not quite. Would anyone else like to venture a guess?" Another little girl of course knew the answer. "It is the time after Jesus died when the stone at his grave was rolled back, and Jesus started to go up to heaven and looked back down and saw his shadow and went back in for six more weeks."
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Senior Fellow
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Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:39 GMT Standard Time |
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Why can't UUs sing very well in choirs?
Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the words.
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Senior Fellow
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:44 GMT Standard Time |
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The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures.
The teacher asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?"
"I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply.
"But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher.
"They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done."
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Senior Fellow
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:45 GMT Standard Time |
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Seems there is a guy who saves for twenty years to buy his dream car. He finally shells out a fortune for a brand-new, high-horsepower Lamborghini. Recognizing the deeply felt significance of realizing his lifelong dream, he drives over to a nearby Catholic Church and knocks on the parsonage door. "Father, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, my son, " replies the priest, "but what's a Lamborghini?" "Sorry to have troubled you father - I just have a feeling you're not the right man for the job. "So he drives to a nearby United Church and repeats the question: "Pastor, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, "replies the pastor, "but what's a Lamborghini." "Gosh, Pastor, I guess maybe you're not the right person for this job." So he drives a little further along and comes to a UU meeting house and finds the minister. "I was wondering whether you would be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly," replies the UU minister, "I'd love to. But . . . . what's a 'blessing'?"
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Senior Fellow
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Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:47 GMT Standard Time |
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A Hindu, a Jew, and a Unitarian were traveling one night in the midst of nowhere, and the weather turned bad. They started looking for shelter, and found a farmhouse. They knocked on the door and were greeted by a gentleman who understood their plight. "You're welcome here, fellas. In fact, I have a guest room upstairs. But there's only room for two to sleep up there. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. That's not a problem, though, because the barn is warm and I just put a fresh bed of hay out there." So the Hindu, the Jew, and the Unitarian decided to draw straws to see who would sleep in the barn. The Hindu came up short, and he picked up the pillow and blanket the farmer had provided and went out to the barn. The Jew and the Unitarian were getting ready for bed when a knock came on the bedroom door. It was the Hindu, and he said, "Fellas, I'm upset. There's a cow in the barn, and I know he's being bred for slaughter. That just doesn't sit well with my faith." Since the Jew had drawn the next shorter straw, he volunteered to sleep in the barn instead, and he picked up the blanket and pillow and went out. The Hindu and Unitarian were about to climb into bed when another knock came at the door. It was the Jew. "Fellas, I'm sorry, but there's a pig out there, and knowing my dietary restrictions and the fact that that pig is obviously being bred for market, I just can't stay out there." So the Unitarian said, "That's okay. I'll go out. I should have volunteered in the first place, knowing your concerns." So he picked up the blanket and pillow and headed to the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were just about to turn out the light when another knock came at the door. It was the cow and the pig. . .
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Senior Fellow
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Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:48 GMT Standard Time |
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HOW MANY Unitarians DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
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Senior Fellow
Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:49 GMT Standard Time |
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A woman goes into a fabric store and asks the clerk for some nice soft lacy material for her wedding night nightie. The clerk says "About two yards ought to do that!" and the woman says "Oh no, I will need about fifty yards."" The clerk says "Fifty? But surely that is way too much?" The woman says "I know, but my fiance is a Unitarian and he would rather seek than find."
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Senior Fellow
Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:50 GMT Standard Time |
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What was the main difference between the Unitarians and the Universalists?
The Universalists believed that God was too good to damn people, while the Unitarians believed that they were too good to be damned.
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Senior Fellow
Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:51 GMT Standard Time |
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The Kindergarten class at a UU Church was discussing "prayer", and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with "amen." Does anyone know what "amen" means, the RE teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, "send."
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Senior Fellow
Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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| David
Posted:
Saturday September 29, 2007 12:52 GMT Standard Time |
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What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness?
Somebody who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
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Senior Fellow
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Posts: 960
Location: Hyde Park, Chicago, IL
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