“I have found myself unable to sleep, waking up at three o’clock in the morning in a cold sweat, with nightmares of oil platforms and hunting rifles, only to rush to my computer to check Pollster.com” — Anonymous Liberal
“My boss is noticing my productivity is down, but I just can’t do my work, I can’t think about anything but the elections.” — Anonymous Liberal
“I have left home, quit my job, and am now hitchhiking from small battleground state town to small battleground state town. I live in constant fear that what I am doing is not enough, and so try to do more and more everyday.” — Anonymous Liberal
Are you finding yourself losing sleep, awake at all hours of the night watching the fourth rerun of “Countdown with Keith Olberman?”
Are you hitting the “refresh” button on The Huffington Post over and over again?
Have you found your socialization limited to campaign rallies and debate parties?
Are you confused by how you feel both disturbed and comforted by Rachel Maddow at the same time?
Do you find yourself screaming at the television incoherently every time Tucker Bounds appears?
Are your moods shifting with each new Presidential election poll?
Do you feel alternately depressed or angry whenever you hear someone say “Bradley Effect”, “My Friends”, “You Bet’cha”, “Margin of Error”, or “ACORN”?
When a friend says “Well, it’ll all be over on November 4th,” do you experience flashbacks to the election of 2000, or nightmares of “hanging chads”?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be suffering from Liberal Election Anxiety Disorder, or LEAD.
LEAD is a chronic condition, which occurs in Liberals every two to four years, depending upon the severity of the case. It is caused by an acute awareness of the tendency of Liberal Political Movements to “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.” LEAD can cause severe disruptions in one’s life, self-esteem, and ability to pursue positive political goals. LEAD can bring one to a loss of hope, and in severe cases can cause Apathy, or even a retreat to an Academic Faculty to spend the rest of your life aloofly critiquing everyone and everything. In some rare cases, LEAD has even led to moving to a small island in the South Pacific and spending the rest of your life re-enacting Presidential Debates the way they “should have gone” with statues made from coconuts.
While there is no cure for LEAD, (not even the occasional Democratic victory), there is help, and there is hope.
Please check your local Democratic Party Headquarters for fliers of an Election Addicts Anonymous (ELANON) meeting in your area, and find out how to manage your case of LEAD by the sharing of your struggles with others suffering from LEAD. You may also find you learn from the struggles of those coping with Conservative Electoral Psychosis Syndrome (CEPS) and Independent Electoral Stress Disorder (IESD).
You too can break away from yelling profanities at Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly… the time is now. Find a meeting today, and learn to cope with LEAD.
Yours in Faith,